LETTING GO OF AN ADDICT

Six years before I started to consider leaving my addict partner, he had a major relapse and disappeared for the weekend. I stepped into the room of an Al-Anon meeting. I went, half-hearted, because I thought it was something I should do. I learned the terms,“let go and let God,” and “detachment,” in those meetings but I wasn’t ready to do that. I thought if I let go that I would be giving up on him. When my husband would use, I went to meetings to get away from my problems. After a few months, I stopped going.

Years later, when things were spiraling out of control in my marriage, I started to go again. I was desperately looking for answers. I saw the same people, some still living with the addict. Al-Anon teaches that you can emotionally detach from an addict while still being with them physically if they are actively using. I would never be able to accept a life with my husband if I was in recovery, and he was not. I wanted to be with him but refused to continue living with him while he was actively using.

The concepts and approaches discussed in Al-Anon were enlightening. They helped me realize that I had to put the focus on me. Even with this new refreshing insight, I felt a disconnect in the meetings. Though I realized it was not for me, I was still able to take what I needed from those rooms. I forced myself to get up and leave my husband and make a new life for myself and my daughter.  I needed to start treating codependency and behaviors associated with it.

Letting go of an addict starts by finding help

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5 thoughts on “LETTING GO OF AN ADDICT

  1. How hard was it to take the first step to leave. I recently signed a lease on an apartment to leave my husband. I agonized all day and almost didnt do it. He doesnt know yet and I am still at the house. I feel so guilty about what I have done but I told him I would leave if he didn’t stop using crack. He doesnt smoke in my presence anymore but he still does it in our home. Well, it will no longer be my home and it is in my name. My credit will be messed up as I cant pay rent in two places. His income is based on the business that we have in my name. I have an eight hour job but the business could not be put in his so I put it in mine. I dont want him to be mad at me because he is a good person I just dont like the drug use. He is a high functioning user. Everything about our life looks great except for his secrect that he doesnt want anyone to know about. I love him so much and he has been really nice lately so now I am second guessing my decision. Did you do that once you decided to leave.

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  2. Anon,
    You made the right decision to leave. Do not worry about the rest. Get yourself out of this toxic situation and bring calm and peace back into your life. You deserve to live a life free from the chaos that drugs has brought and will continue to bring. You have to let go and though it is difficult, you have to let go of the things that cause you pain so that you can heal. Do not give up. Keep going in the direction you are headed.
    Amanda

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  3. Hi there
    I would really like some advice. Been with my partner 5 years. I’m 34 and was previously in a long term relationship with a meth addict that cheated on me and caused me so much pain. My current partner was the nicest most innocent most perfect boyfriend. The type I would boast to my friends about and restored my faith in men and love. That was until a year ago he started changing. I had no idea it was drugs. I thought he didn’t love me anymore or was maybe cheating on me initially. Then he started not coming home for cpl days and turning his phone off. It was then he admitted it was meth. I’m such a caring loving person and really just wanted to help. It has got worse and worse though. I cant even go into the way I’ve been treated it is ridiculous. I moved out 4 months ago thinking it would help and of course I get all the apologies and promises of change and i always believe him so I stay as his girlfriend. When I’m with him he seems so honest, so apologetic so hopeful to get his life on track but nothing changes. In fact he recently lost his job and his addiction has spiralled. I see him once or twice a week at the moment (always perfect wen I actually see him and I feel like he actually loves me) but he constantly breaks arrangements to see me to get high with his loser mates (and conjures up all these stories as to why he can’t keep track seeing me )and he’s on it every day now to my knowledge and barely eats or sleeps. It’s taking a toll on his appearance drastically. I can’t help to take it so personally when he avoids me to be with his friends getting high and all the lies and the manipulating that he puts me through. It’s causing me so much anxiety and upset and anger and yet whenever he calls I can’t help but to see him cause I love him. Pathetic I know. The thing is I don’t want to be without him. One time I decided not to contact him and I was so depressed but tried to carry on. It went 10 days and I was telling myself it’s over but then he calls saying how upset and annoyed he was at me that I didn’t contact him (even tho he didn’t contact me) and I get sucked back in. I know if my friends were going through this I would tell them to leave but for some reason I can’t! It’s because I saw how amazing he is and I’ve seen him change but keep having belief that he’s the person he used to be. Whereas with my ex as upsetting as it was I could understand and expect his behaviour. I just can’t get my head around this cuz he was so anti drugs and I am so upset that it’s got like this.

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  4. Hi there
    I woul d really like some advice. Been with my partner 5 years. I’m 34 and was previously in a long term relationship with a meth addict that cheated on me and caused me so much pain. My current partner was the nicest most innocent most perfect boyfriend. The type I would boast to my friends about and restored my faith in men and love. That was until a year ago he started changing. I had no idea it was drugs. I thought he didn’t love me anymore or was maybe cheating on me initially. Then he started not coming home for cpl days and turning his phone off. It was then he admitted it was meth. I’m such a caring loving person and really just wanted to help. It has got worse and worse though. I cant even go into the way I’ve been treated it is ridiculous. I moved out 4 months ago thinking it would help and of course I get all the apologies and promises of change and i always believe him so I stay as his girlfriend. When I’m with him he seems so honest, so apologetic so hopeful to get his life on track but nothing changes. In fact he recently lost his job and his addiction has spiralled. I see him once or twice a week at the moment (always perfect wen I actually see him and I feel like he actually loves me) but he constantly breaks arrangements to see me to get high with his loser mates (and conjures up all these stories as to why he can’t keep track seeing me )and he’s on it every day now to my knowledge and barely eats or sleeps. It’s taking a toll on his appearance drastically. I can’t help to take it so personally when he avoids me to be with his friends getting high and all the lies and the manipulating that he puts me through. It’s causing me so much anxiety and upset and anger and yet whenever he calls I can’t help but to see him cause I love him. Pathetic I know. The thing is I don’t want to be without him. One time I decided not to contact him and I was so depressed but tried to carry on. It went 10 days and I was telling myself it’s over but then he calls saying how upset and annoyed he was at me that I didn’t contact him (even tho he didn’t contact me) and I get sucked back in. I know if my friends were going through this I would tell them to leave but for some reason I can’t! It’s because I saw how amazing he is and I’ve seen him change but keep having belief that he’s the person he used to be. Whereas with my ex as upsetting as it was I could understand and expect his behaviour. I just can’t get my head around this cuz he was so anti drugs and I am so upset that it’s got like this.

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    • Charlotte,
      It is a lot you are going through but I think you know deep down where the Meth is going to take him and you have to ask yourself if you
      want to go along for that ride. It is hard to let go, I was with my ex-husband and addict for 12 years and we had a child. I had to let go
      because his behavior was affecting us and I had to get out of the insanity. Using Meth is a slippery slope and if you stay you may be enabling him
      because he knows he can just have you. The decision is ultimately yours and you have to be ready to walk away.
      Amanda

      Like

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